In a deft financial move hailed by commentators as "obvious" and "legal if you kinda squint", Nvidia has taken the bold step of bypassing intermediate investment in companies like OpenAI and Microsoft and instead begun mailing billion-dollar checks to its own business address instead.
Citing the unnecessary overhead of large sums traveling round-trip between Nvidia and its customers who, ultimately, end up purchasing Nvidia's own computing hardware, the company expects the change in strategy to be accompanied by simpler accounting and leaner, more efficient operations. Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang remarked that many in the company see the change as a natural progression of modern investment approaches.
"The idea sort of arose organically after Sam Altman mistakenly forwarded along one of our own checks to the Nvidia accounts receivable department," Huang said. "At that point I figured, hey, Sam is sending it all back anyway, why waste the postage? I will miss the little hearts he draws on his checks, though."
Financial commentators are skeptical about the viability of Nvidia's new approach but reserving judgement in anticipation of how the situation plays out. When The Split-Brain Journal reached out to Matt Levine at Bloomberg for his perspective on the radical new idea, we received only the sound of labored breathing on the other end of the phone call after informing him of the announcement from Nvidia. Levine then sighed heavily and The Journal can only assume that Matt left the room after footsteps were audible only briefly before the was line left open. The call was dropped by the carrier after a prolonged silence. Happy Holidays, Matt!
Many Silicon Valley investors are ecstatic about the new direction and some voiced their hopes for cascading change in the investing landscape that Nvidia's change might spur along. A skull-pointening advisor at Andreesen Horowitz noted that prominent investors in the bay area have long sought simplified terms that are lucrative to large firms. "Look, I'm not talking to you unless you include at least one line about our new app that lets you place bets on Bryan Johnson's sperm count". The Journal considers its obligation fulfilled with the inclusion of that quote.
"I know Marc has been looking at ways of keeping our lines of investment close to the chest and I think this is a great way to get there. A few months ago he was workshopping ideas about super gluing fishing line to wads of cash and pulling them out of cash registers but I'm pretty sure he got the idea from Looney Tunes. Or it might have been some Nickelodeon show. In either case we're all relieved that this might help shake him off the current idea of pitching Super Duper Marc Dollars to the United States Treasury because he won't let go of that one."
Whatever the outcome of the new investment strategy, funding at large AI labs has never been more free-flowing. An AI researcher at Apple who wished to remain anonymous confided that many scientists in the AI and ML space have their own unique concerns. "Where in the hell am I supposed to keep all these gifts from Zuckerberg? The guy will not leave my team alone and we aren't about to relocate to Menlo Park for the compensation package; Tim picks up my laundry twice a week at my house. Here, clap your peepers on this ... [shuffling noises]" The researcher emptied his pockets in front of the Journal representative and brandished a large remote with pink sequins hot-glued onto the face plate.
After pushing a blue button on the remote we waited briefly before a fleet of drones appeared several hundred feet overhead of our outdoor interview. The drones formed an animated representation of Mark Zuckerberg miming "call me!" with his personal phone number beneath. "I hit that button at SFO last month and security detained me for three hours, goddammit!"
United States Commerce officials in tandem with Nvidia continue to push the envelope and The Journal expects to hear about more innovative ideas emerging soon. An insider mentioned to The Journal that one concept being actively refined and prepared as a formal proposal involved two men sitting opposite each other at a conference table throwing large sacks of money at each other as quickly as possible. "With enough arm strength, cash flow, and electrolytes, it's an easy way to get GDP up without much overhead. It's totally honest, too, look! Transactions are happening!"